Total War

The war for my kitchen opened a new front this week as Bug-Qaeda hit my stove. It was unbelievable. The little cockroach dodged my attempted smash and went right into the little hole under the stove top. Which wouldn't have been that unbelievable except that the stove was LIT. I thought it was a dumb move, or perhaps a suicide maneuver, until about 60 seconds later the little bugger EMERGED from the lit stovetop. Of course he wasn't able to dodge me again, and I took particular pleasure in crushing him between my paper-towel covered fingers. Still, it worries me that I am fighting an enemy that can apparently walk through fire.

The first incidents happened about a week after we moved in as we discovered a couple of little cockroaches that liked to crawl around the garbage can. I had recently learned the Arabic verb for smashing bugs and excitedly put it to use as I eagerly grabbed a wad of toilet paper and began "Dooss"ing the three that I saw. When I didn't see any more for a couple of days I figured that was the end of it. My roommate and I instituted a "take out the trash every day" rule, so that no food would accumulate in the trash can.

But the incidents began to happen more frequently. At first I simply used their appearance as an opportunity to indulge my Napoleon complex and exert my authority over them. It feels really good to "Dooss" bugs. Still, I realized more thorough security techniques would have to be installed to protect my American way of life in Cairo, especially when I woke up one morning to find that my roommate had left a couple of unwashed dishes out in the sink. There were at least 5 bugs enjoying the feast of scrambled egg remnants, the most I had ever seen at one time. With swift fury I did away with them and washed the dishes. When my roommate returned that night I informed him that I had unilaterally imposed a new law: all dishes must be washed before going to bed and before leaving the house. If you don't have time to do the dishes, you don't have time to eat in. He ratified the already in-force law to save face, though it would take another deadly battle for him to realize the seriousness of the matter: two days later he again left out some dishes (this time with the remnants of his Nutella sandwich). This time after driving off the scavengers I took three of the casualties and left them in his favorite tea-cup to greet him when he got home.

However, I also realized that other, more aggressive, counterinsurgency measures would have to be taken, so I began to look for patterns on when they appeared and where their hideouts were. I noticed that they came out in droves whenever I turned on the hot water: as the water began to heat they would emerge from small little cracks in the wall where the hot water pipe came through. They were fleeing the heat from the pipes! Haha, I thought with a jolt of glee. I know how to flush them out. I set traps: I would turn the hot water on, plug the sink, and then simply sweep them as they came out straight down into the water: they died on contact with any water hotter than 50 degrees Celsius. I could get 5-10 at a time this way.

Nevertheless, this wasn't a war I was going to win in this matter, killing a couple of bugs here, and a couple there, so I invested in more serious weaponry, buying a canister of bug poison. This is a problem lots of people struggle with in Cairo, so it was not difficult to find the anti-bug stuff. In fact, they had several different kinds at the store. One for flying bugs, one for cockroaches, one for ants. I returned home and stuffed the tube into the area where the hot water sink pipe came in and sprayed away. Next I thoroughly doused the area below the sink as intelligence sources had shown this to be a favorite entrypoint as well.

The War on Bugs continues, though I have definitely learned the most important techniques and measures to take so that the bugs will never threaten my freedom and values. In fact, I am becoming a cleaner person because of the war. Never before have I bought so many items to keep everything clean: brooms, mops, squeegies, marble sanitizer. So don't worry mom, in spite of the fears reading this may cause you, take comfort in knowing that your son now sweeps and mops his kitchen on a regular basis of his own free will and choice.